Saturday, January 20, 2007

This One Is The Truth About Me

Not that everything I've written isn't the truth...I just choose to not let it all out. I'm pretty shy. Here it goes....

Look, I know I'm lame. I was lucky to grow up with BOTH parents. I had everything given to me. I don't know what 'hard work' means. I am definately dependent on people. And my outlook on life is not one filled with ambition.

I continue to make choices that keep me 'mediocre'. It's easier, isn't it? Then I wonder why I'm in this particualar 'predicament' or 'mess' and don't realize that I myself made the necessary choices that led me to where I am today.

My problem is fear. I do fear "fear" itself. Lack of drive? Vision? Faith? Probably!
(Matthew 10:28, "Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell".)

When most people just jump off the cliff of life, I just walk up to it and just stop. I stop short of 15 feet or more. I don't want to jump...are you crazy?! Then I turn around and sit. (And pout and whine!) I don't want to deal or dwell. I just hope I forget about the fact that all I have to do is simply jump! No! It's too hard! too complicated! Too much fun!? Maybe I don't deserve fun! Waaaah!

There I go...a cycle.

But I KNOW what to do! Why can't I just do it!

No ambition. Mediocre. Don't I want to grow up?

People said that they wished that they had the "opportunities" that I had. That way they would be so successful right now. It's true. I DID have everything provided for me. Why didn't I take advantage of it? How unwise. How idiotic of me! (Dang! I sound like a liberal! Sorry honey!)

I have NOBODY to blame but myself.

And even though I've grown up a little, (yes, just a little), I've finally made some wise choices. But not enough.

Don't feel sorry for me. Duh, I choose to continue to be this way...although I know it hurts a lot of people. I'm selfish and I'm not proud of it. I choose this because unfortunately it is easier and less painful. But I can't run away from life. (And my life is good! What do I really have to run away from? I have everything!)

(Thanks to all those who continue to deal with me and continue to tell me to grow up and shut up. I'm so sorry for all the strife this spoiled brat has caused.)

Please continue to pray that I take the personal responsibility to change.

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